With regards to the conversation about "risk", my wife and I have found it illuminating to think about risk not as a single variable that occurs along a continuum, but instead as a composite composed of several distinct, non-overlapping components.
To illustrate: we try and make out family life relatively tech-free (ie we don't have a TV, don't use screens for our kids, and plan on delaying smartphones for a long, long time). In doing this, are we "sheltering" our kids? In a way, yes! Absolutely! There is no shame in that for me. We are sheltering them from what seems like very acute spiritual and psychological risk.
By contrast, although our kids are pretty young (the eldest is 5), we try to encourage independence and physical exploration quite a lot (running around with sticks, climbing and jumping off things, etc). We have a relatively high tolerance for physical risk. Similarly, when there is conflict or friction in their relationships, we try to let them deal with it themselves - thereby incurring some degree of "social risk".
As we've reflected on this, what he seemed so strange to me is that, compared to many of our friends, we have a much lower tolerance for spiritual risk and psychological risk (to the degree that family members tell us that "you can't shelter your kids this way forever!", implying that we are overreacting or being unreasonable) but a much higher tolerance for physical and social risk (judging by the way some people look at us as I throw my 2-year-old 4 feet in the air, or the nervous noises people make as they climb on the playground). I think part of it is that the spiritual/psychological risk either seems invisible (or worse, inevitable) to many, while the physical/social risk perhaps seems like something they are more able to control. But it remains puzzling to me.
Thank you for taking the time to share your insights, Karol! I think you're definitely on to something with the idea that certain risks seem easier to control and therefore less uncomfortable to acknowledge. Our society certainly likes to pretend like we each have more control than we really do!
I especially appreciated that you brought up "social risk." I know Jonathan Haidt talks about that concept a bit in his book The Anxious Generation, but I think it's not discussed nearly enough. I imagine that might be partially because so many of our relationships nowadays feel (or maybe are) tenuous as it is. I know it's been tough for me to find the right balance between intervening and allowing my kids to work things out when spending time with families we're trying to grow our relationships with! But I agree with you and Haidt that kids need the chance to figure out how to work things out amongst themselves, as they've done for millennia.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Chris! I especially appreciate it because I sometimes get nervous that my writing skews a bit too much toward women/mothers (despite having my husband helping me with "gut checks").
Thank you for the feedback, and for sharing your piece! I love how concise and clearly laid out it is, and I think it will be a great piece to share/reference as I get these conversations going :)
Well done! Keep it going!
Thanks for this.
With regards to the conversation about "risk", my wife and I have found it illuminating to think about risk not as a single variable that occurs along a continuum, but instead as a composite composed of several distinct, non-overlapping components.
To illustrate: we try and make out family life relatively tech-free (ie we don't have a TV, don't use screens for our kids, and plan on delaying smartphones for a long, long time). In doing this, are we "sheltering" our kids? In a way, yes! Absolutely! There is no shame in that for me. We are sheltering them from what seems like very acute spiritual and psychological risk.
By contrast, although our kids are pretty young (the eldest is 5), we try to encourage independence and physical exploration quite a lot (running around with sticks, climbing and jumping off things, etc). We have a relatively high tolerance for physical risk. Similarly, when there is conflict or friction in their relationships, we try to let them deal with it themselves - thereby incurring some degree of "social risk".
As we've reflected on this, what he seemed so strange to me is that, compared to many of our friends, we have a much lower tolerance for spiritual risk and psychological risk (to the degree that family members tell us that "you can't shelter your kids this way forever!", implying that we are overreacting or being unreasonable) but a much higher tolerance for physical and social risk (judging by the way some people look at us as I throw my 2-year-old 4 feet in the air, or the nervous noises people make as they climb on the playground). I think part of it is that the spiritual/psychological risk either seems invisible (or worse, inevitable) to many, while the physical/social risk perhaps seems like something they are more able to control. But it remains puzzling to me.
Thank you for taking the time to share your insights, Karol! I think you're definitely on to something with the idea that certain risks seem easier to control and therefore less uncomfortable to acknowledge. Our society certainly likes to pretend like we each have more control than we really do!
I especially appreciated that you brought up "social risk." I know Jonathan Haidt talks about that concept a bit in his book The Anxious Generation, but I think it's not discussed nearly enough. I imagine that might be partially because so many of our relationships nowadays feel (or maybe are) tenuous as it is. I know it's been tough for me to find the right balance between intervening and allowing my kids to work things out when spending time with families we're trying to grow our relationships with! But I agree with you and Haidt that kids need the chance to figure out how to work things out amongst themselves, as they've done for millennia.
Thank you for writing this, Kaitlyn!
Thank you for reading and commenting, Chris! I especially appreciate it because I sometimes get nervous that my writing skews a bit too much toward women/mothers (despite having my husband helping me with "gut checks").
Thanks for such a well researched article! I hope you decide to start having the uncomfortable conversations with your kids' friends' parents! My sons are a bit older than yours so I couldn't wait for culture to change, I had to do something myself, and for my own kids. It actually went far better than I had thought. I wrote a bit about it here: https://open.substack.com/pub/dearchristianparent/p/faq-saying-no-to-smartphones-for?r=3huc9s&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Thank you for the feedback, and for sharing your piece! I love how concise and clearly laid out it is, and I think it will be a great piece to share/reference as I get these conversations going :)