Fighting for the Next Generation

Speaking out against Snapchat, and envisioning how we can all work together toward a more life-giving alternative

This edition of Digital with Discernment is written primarily to parents, but if you don’t have children (or if your children are grown), please don’t skip this piece; rather, read it with your niece or nephew, friends’ child, grandchild, or students in mind. The more of us who are willing to challenge the status quo I outline below, the better for all our kids.

Additionally, I expect to publish shorter pieces in the future, but I felt this topic warranted a long-form discussion. As such, this piece follows my previous pattern: each numbered sub-section should take about 5 minutes (or fewer) to read, so you don’t need to carve out time for the whole piece at once.

---

Imagine that you’re driving your newly-teenage daughter home from her first day of high school.¹ As she sits beside you in the front seat, she shares how all her first-day jitters were resolved — yes, she was able to find all her classes; yes, she found people to sit with at lunch; no, none of her classes seem too intimidating so far. Your mind begins to wander as she continues telling you about her day, but while you’re reflecting on how proud you are of her growing independence, you hear her say something you hadn’t expected:

“So yeah, she said she’d smooth things over for me — you know, socially — if I just sent a few dollars her way every month or so, and spent some time helping her out. It seemed worth it to start the year off right, so I told her I would.”

This sounds entirely out of place coming out of a child’s mouth, doesn’t it? Any parent who heard of such a thing would immediately demand to know which student was behind this scheme so they could take action to stop it — and yet millions of teenagers are currently caught up in this kind of manipulation, with millions more on track to follow. In fact, most of these teens’ parents are unknowingly helping to enable the situation, and the mastermind of the scheme is not another child, but a multi-billion dollar company. This edition of Digital with Discernment will examine how this scheme works, how it impacts all of us (directly or indirectly), and what we can all do to fight it.

One: The Unbelievable Advertisement

In the brainstorming that eventually led me to start Digital with Discernment, I considered sharing detailed explanations of how parents should be monitoring their children’s technology use — for example, making sure that parents knew that “monitoring their daughter’s Instagram” couldn’t consist of an occasional check for a new post, but must include a daily check for new “stories” that vanish after 24 hours (with the understanding that it’s possible to share stories to only “close friends,” which might not include said parents). Eventually, I decided to go in a different direction — but when I saw this advertisement on the main page of the Apple iPhone’s App Store, I knew I had to speak out against Snapchat in particular for its utter disregard for the well-being of its teenage (and younger) users:

Screenshot taken Friday, September 15, 2023

Anyone who opens the App Store to download something new or update the apps they already have (as I did that day) is presented with that day’s “special feature” — and it seems Snapchat (and/or Apple) thought that the end of “back to school season” in the U.S. was a perfect time for the above advertisement.

At first, this ad might strike the casual observer as yet another example of a lazy marketing tactic; anyone who’s received, say, a mailer for a “back to school sale” on rain gutters (as I have) knows that at least in the U.S., any holiday or widely observed event is cause for businesses to advertise sales, regardless of whether there’s any connection between the event and their product or service. A slightly deeper consideration of the ad might prompt some distaste, as the observer realizes that Snapchat is literally in the business of gaining an ever greater share of users’ time and attention — and in the case of students who have recently gone back to school, a large percentage of their time and attention should be spent on their studies, the sleep and physical activity that are so crucial to facilitating learning,² and meaningful interactions with their family members during the few waking hours they have together before and after school. Recent findings from Pew Research demonstrate that Snapchat has already been extremely effective at consuming teenagers’ time and attention; they found that “a quarter of teens who use Snapchat or TikTok say they use these apps almost constantly,” and even more broadly, about 15% of all American teenagers between 13 and 17 years old say they’re on Snapchat “almost constantly.” Yet Snapchat feels it’s warranted to hold a “back to school” “special event” targeted to take teenagers’ money in addition to their time and attention.³ All this would bad enough if Snapchat were creating a healthy environment in which teens could genuinely connect with one another. Unfortunately, this platform is anything but healthy or genuine, as we’ll discuss next.

Two: The Manipulative Middleman

You’re likely already familiar with the argument that social media companies are in the business of manipulating people,⁴ but in The Center for Humane Technology’s film The Social Dilemma, computer scientist and virtual reality (VR) pioneer Jaron Lanier makes a slightly different point:

“We’ve created a world in which online connection has become primary, especially for younger generations. And yet, in that world, any time two people connect the only way it is financed is through a sneaky third person who is paying to manipulate those two people. So, we’ve created an entire global generation of people who were raised within a context where the very meaning of communication, the very meaning of culture, is manipulation. We’ve put deceit and sneakiness at the absolute center of everything we do.”⁵

Put another way, social media companies are not only manipulating you directly; their business model is inherently based on acting as a manipulative middleman between you and any person — or group of people — with whom you interact on their platform. I admit that in the abstract, it may seem like a subtle distinction between this idea and the more general argument above (that social media companies are generally in the business of manipulating people). However, if you visit Snapchat’s website, you can quickly see how the app that got its start as a tech-based way to playfully send “secret” messages to friends has become a finely-tuned instrument for injecting manipulation into, and in turn driving ever-greater “engagement” from, teenagers’ interactions.

Of course, Snapchat doesn’t come right out and admit that they’re designing their products to inflame teens’ natural insecurity about their social standing and then provide faux relief through a plethora of “fun” features to “maintain friendships.”⁶ For example, on the landing page for their subscription service (Snapchat+), the fact that Snapchat is fostering dysfunctional relationships is obscured by descriptions of rather benign upgrades like “pick your own custom app icon.” However, with a visit to their “Snapchat Support” site, the implications of other subscriber-exclusive features become clear. For example:

• Snapchat’s “Friend Solar Systems” transform the typical list of top friends into a visual of how “close” you are to a given person; the varying “Friendmoji” images include different facial expressions, body language, and numbers of hearts to clearly show your avatar’s (purported) relationship with the person in question, who’s portrayed as the Sun.

  

  Images of "Mercury" and "Neptune" in Snapchat's "Friend Solar Systems," taken from the link above

• “Priority Story Replies” give Snapchat+ members “a better chance of being seen and responded to!” when they send a reply to a “Community Story.” (Like Instagram’s “stories” I mentioned above, the “stories” people post on Snapchat disappear after 24 hours; this provides a strong incentive for users to check the app every day, if not multiple times a day, to avoid missing anything)

• With “Story Boost,” Snapchat+ promises to help teens “get more views from friends, fast!” That is, if a teen’s Snapchat “story” isn’t getting as much attention as they want it to, they can use their paid subscription to adjust Snapchat’s algorithm and garner more response.⁷

Taking just the first example from the bulleted list above, a teenager’s experience of Snapchat’s “Friend Solar Systems” might prompt them to ask, “Why am I so far away from my friend in their ‘Friend Solar System’? Who do they like more than me? How can I get closer to them?” As one adult YouTuber put it, “If you’re Neptune, then you’re the eighth closest friend to this other person and you know you’ve got some work to do to get closer…”. If you look closely in the “Friend Solar Systems” Support page, the popup reads, “Your Best Friends on Snapchat are the friends you Snap and chat with the most!” That is, Snapchat offers a faux “answer” to the teenager’s question of “How can I get closer to my friend?” — simply use our platform more! Unsurprisingly, Snapchat offers not even the slightest indication that getting closer to this person in a truer or deeper sense would be best accomplished off of Snapchat — much less a note about the tradeoffs of striving to become closer to a peer rather than forging connections with family members, older and wiser members of the local community, or nearly anyone else they might encounter face-to-face in their “real” life.

Of course, Snapchat users who don’t pay for Snapchat+ are also incentivized to compulsively use the app in other ways, like checking who’s watched their “story” and what the latest messages in the group chat say. For example, last May my son’s first grade class and the school’s eighth grade class (along with many parents) took a field trip to a nearby zoo. While chatting with my son’s “eighth grade buddy” and some of the other moms who were chaperoning, I learned that this eighth grader was part of a Snapchat group chat of 50+ other kids who were going to be attending the local Lutheran high school in the fall. Imagine asking a child to prove that she’s worthy to keep her place in her social circles — or make a good impression on many people whom she’s never met but could majorly impact her social life moving forward — and not only does the “conversation” go on at all hours, but anytime another one of the 50+ kids sends a message, a notification is sent to grab her attention. In her mind, not responding, or responding “incorrectly,” could make or break her social standing — and she’s under that stress constantly, with very real ramifications for her physical and mental health.⁸ In recent weeks, Snapchat has even formalized their commitment to this dynamic with a “Major Update” to the app called “School Communities,” which enables any member of the “community” to contribute a time-sensitive visual message:

Screenshot taken September 16, 2023

I’m well aware that Snapchat is not the first or only technology to impact teens’ social interactions — but I would argue that the nerve with which Snapchat is doubling down on their position as “manipulative middleman” in children’s relationships is inexcusable. When I was in high school, the question that my “dumb phone” engendered was, “What’s taking them so long to respond to my text message?” And while you could simply stare at your phone’s texting app, it wasn’t a very appealing option. Teenagers nowadays can easily journey down an endless rabbit hole of investigation and speculation as to their social standing — and in fact, they’re strongly incentivized to do so.⁹

Three: This Impacts Us All

You may have read the above and thought, “I’ll never let my kids have Snapchat!” — especially if you’re already familiar with the dangers of social media, and/or if your kids are significantly younger than teenage. While I do think that “parental controls,” home network filters, and the like are important components of keeping our kids safe from the dangers of Snapchat outlined above (and in footnote 9), I don’t think “making good choices as parents” can be the only solution to the broader problem, for a variety of reasons. First, I would be remiss if I didn’t clearly state that teenagers are their own people, and will soon be free to make many of their own decisions regardless of whether they’re allowed to do so in high school. I really appreciated that

Ruth Gaskovski

at

School of the Unconformed

recently shared her daughter’s thoughts on the matter of family/teenage technology use, which begin:

“Of course it is important to guide young children and enforce rules when they are still growing up and learning to make their own decisions. However, there comes a point where they need to feel some amount of responsibility and ownership of their own decisions, not only to help in maturing and forming themselves, but also to allow them to feel that their parents are on the same team and are there to advise them but not to oppress them. It is good to remember that strict parents make sneaky kids.” (read more in Charting the Course for Family Tech Use, especially the final section)

Second, the “network effect” of social media is a powerful force not only to keep people from leaving a platform, but also to lure and coerce people into joining. If only one of your children’s friends repeatedly asks her to get a Snapchat (or other social media) account, I imagine that the response, “you’re simply not allowed to” will lose its force quickly — especially if the idea that “our family doesn’t use social media” isn’t well established and lived out. Because most “stories” on Snapchat (as well as “Snaps,” if I understand correctly) are sent to multiple people at once, it can feel selfish to refuse to use your friend’s favorite communication method, and expect them to share the same information with only you in a different way. (At least that’s how I felt about my friends’ “stories” on Instagram before I decided I needed to quit.¹⁰)

Finally, I strongly believe that people embrace and live out their family’s values most steadfastly when they have a positive, hopeful vision to strive for, rather than simply a list of forbidden activities (even if the good reasons behind this list are very explicit). Approximately 90% of teenagers today use social media, and people literally need human connection¹¹ — so if you are not clearly explaining the dangers of social media, demonstrating how to cultivate genuine friendships, and helping enable your teen(s) to cultivate their own offline bonds, I’d say there’s a very good chance they end up being manipulated by social media anyway (at age 18+), falling into the clutches of loneliness, or both. Put another way — you can raise a child who truly loves great books, the natural world, and self-directed learning, but if they struggle to find and truly connect with others who share their passions, their life will be missing something critically important.¹²

My eldest is only seven, so I can’t speak from a wealth of firsthand experience, but I strongly suspect that helping our children understand the healthy use of digital technologies needs to work a lot like the process of helping them understand healthy human sexuality. That is, caring parents strive to embody the sexual ethics that they want to pass on to their children, and intentionally provide more information about the reasoning supporting their position as their children grow and mature. Ideally, this transmission of values focuses less on what teens are not allowed to do, and more on the reasons that pursuing virtue leads to a more joyful life. I think we must take a similar approach as we endeavor to pass on our values around digital technology use to our children. When they’re young, we can nurture a love of the real, physical, embodied life, while happily explaining why we use technology the way we do (anyone familiar with small children knows they love to ask why an adult is doing something). And as our children grow older, we can’t shy away from explaining things like the “manipulative middleman” phenomenon to them out of concern that the explanation might make its way to their friends’ parents and cause embarrassment or hurt feelings.

I also think it’s critical for the transmission of values around digital technology use to be facilitated by parents and non-parents alike. The advertisement above clearly shows that companies like Snapchat have no qualms about “hiding” their manipulative tactics “in plain sight” (on the main page of an App Store used by millions of adults and teens alike). Put another way, social media companies are counting on the willful blindness, ignorance, or timidity of anyone who knows that the “new normal” is anything but normal or healthy. We must prove that they cannot count on these from us. Trusted teachers, cool older cousins, and aunts and uncles (biological or “chosen”) all have a role to play in this fight that can’t be filled by the child’s parents.¹³ We must all join together to show our teenagers that the real social connection and true closeness they’re seeking cannot be found on manipulative social media platforms. We must consistently live in a way that cements an expectation of deeper, truer connection in the minds of the youngest among us. Finally, we must be ready to explain why we believe this way of living leads to a more meaningful and joyful life — and be ready to invite others to join us. If we fail to do so, I believe we are resigning ourselves to a future in which more and more people are “raised within a context where the very meaning of communication, the very meaning of culture, is manipulation.”¹⁴

Four: Taking Action Together

Although the best course of action will vary based on your specific situation, I think anyone will benefit from reading this excellent piece from

Ruth Gaskovski

:

A Hostage Negotiator's Guide to Cognitive Liberty

Whether you’re striving to set a better example with your own technology habits, help your teenager break free from the manipulation of Snapchat or other social media, or proactively prepare to explain your choices to others, I believe you’ll find Ruth’s piece encouraging and empowering.

If you are the parent of a teenage Snapchat user, I’d suggest paying particular attention to what Ruth calls the “final and most potent catalyst” for changing people’s minds and habits — starting with understanding. As Cal Newport notes in his book Digital Minimalism, “[Internet users] downloaded the apps and set up the accounts for good reasons” — but I suspect that most teenagers may not independently come to the realization that Newport describes, “that these services [are] beginning to undermine the very values that made them appealing in the first place.”¹⁵ With the experience of “uninterrupted conversation with the friend sitting across the table” growing ever rarer, who can blame them? I’d highly suggest that you approach the conversation about Snapchat with the understanding that your teenager is probably using it in a genuine attempt to grow closer to friends. Beginning with this understanding cannot replace the “active listening” that will help you more fully understand your teen’s specific motivations and desires, but it does enable you to come prepared with proposals about how you can work together to intentionally cultivate truly close friendships. For example, your family could start by extending an invitation to dinner (or a game night, short nature walk, etc.) to a couple of your teenager’s friends, perhaps even their whole families. From there you can work to establish a consistent routine of facilitating these chances for deeper connection, rather than letting busy schedules or your own distraction sabotage your good intentions. In some cases, you may be able to participate in an established get-together, like the monthly “Fellowship Friday” events held at my church.

Actually, if you are in nearly any other situation, I think you’d benefit from following similar advice — work to cultivate genuine friendships free of technology-driven manipulation, consistently demonstrate your commitment to forging deep connections rather than settling for shallow ones, and provide mutual support to others who are striving to do the same. Easy, right? Unfortunately some of the best advice is easier said than done — but I hope you’ll join me and your fellow Digital with Discernment readers as we strive to bring this vision to life for our own families.

Please also share this piece with anyone you think would find this information helpful!

1. Homeschooling friends, please adjust accordingly — perhaps first day back to homeschool co-op as a teenager?

2. I recently read (nearly all of) John Ratey’s book Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain, which I found incredibly interesting and compelling. I highly recommend checking out his TEDx talk here for an introduction to the information he discusses in the book (and I’m saying that as someone who has never been “into” exercise).

3. Snapchat’s efforts to advertise their subscription service seem to have been quite successful so far, based on this update from Snapchat.

4. If not, please do check out this video and/or section one of the previous edition of Digital with Discernment, “The Inadvertent Abolition of Man.”

5. The Social Dilemma is available on Netflix, but for those who don’t have access to Netflix, Lanier’s quote can be found (with slight variations in wording) in a handful of different places online (e.g., Goodreads). If you do have access to Netflix, the whole documentary is very worth your time, and worth considering viewing with your teenage children.

6. The phrase “maintain friendships” is from the Apple App Store’s explanation of why it awarded their “Editor’s Choice” badge to Snapchat. My use of the term “faux” was inspired by Ruth Gaskovski’s concept of “faux reality” that she describes in her piece, “A Hostage Negotiator's Guide to Cognitive Liberty.” I’ll discuss Ruth’s piece more later in this edition of Digital with Discernment.

7. Interestingly, Snapchat felt it necessary to clarify that this feature is only available for “Friend Stories” and “is not allowed for advertiser use of any kind” despite its striking similarity to features meant for “commercial use.” (see the same page that is linked in the bullet above)

8. This is a reference to the fact that the body’s response to social rejection is very similar to its response to physical pain (see here and here), and the idea that social rejection is inherently linked to a threat to a person’s survival (what some people attribute to humanity’s history of living in close-knit tribes). See also Jon Haidt’s piece, “Social Media is a Major Cause of the Mental Illness Epidemic in Teen Girls. Here’s the Evidence,” especially the conclusion.

9. Though I don’t have the space in this piece to expound on all the other perils of Snapchat, I’d recommend checking out: (1) this portion of the talk “The A.I. Dilemma,” which details incredibly inappropriate sexual advice that Snapchat’s AI chatbot gave to someone posing as a 12 year-old girl; (2) this publication from the DEA (and related news stories) about social media’s connection to drug trafficking and overdose deaths (especially among “adolescents and young adults [who] are particularly susceptible given their high-rates of social media usage”); and (3) Jon Haidt’s piece referenced/linked above in footnote 8.

10. Even now I just miss out on the little day-to-day updates, book recommendations, and more that people share in Instagram stories. I expect I’ll discuss this more in future posts about dealing with the difficult necessity of making tradeoffs.

11. The 90% figure is drawn from this site. For more on people’s need for human connection, see the recent U.S. Surgeon General’s report, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation” (the Surgeon General’s “Letter” is a brief and helpful place to start).

12. This insight was sparked by the Introduction to Justin Whitmel Earley’s new book, Made for People: Why We Drift Into Loneliness and How to Fight for a Life of Friendship. I’ve only just begun reading it, but if anyone is interested in reading more of my thoughts on it once I’m finished (or if anyone else has enjoyed his earlier books), please let me know in the comments!

13. Of course, this list could be expanded to include grandparents, respected members of one’s church, and far beyond — but essentially, teenagers in particular need wise advice from trusted elders and authority figures other than their parents. “Chosen” here refers to the idea of close family friends, godparents, etc. being referred to as “aunt” or “uncle.” I’m not entirely sure how widespread this practice is, but I think it’s worth further consideration! Author Leila Lawler explains her practice of it: “I don’t know if this is regional, but hereabouts children call their elders Mrs. Smith and Mr. Smith — which in general, I agree with. But in Arabic culture, the families who are closest to you just don’t want that kind of formality. They call their parents’ friends ‘Tante’ and ‘Amo’ and there is a very warm, family feeling to the community.” (read more here, most of the way down the page, after her discussion of their family motto — although that part is worth reading too!)

14. See Jaron Lanier’s quote above.

15. These quotes are taken from pg. XIII of Digital Minimalism.